Does The Pain Weigh Out The Pride?
by Aecoris
Summary: Deaf!Dean. One shot sequel to 'Falling Into Silence'. Sam learns that Dean might not be dealing so well with his loss of hearing after all. He's determined to help his brother in any way he can. Dean swallows his pride and lets Sam in all he can.


_Hey everyone! I've been working on this one-shot little squel to Falling Into Silence for a while. Don't have to read that before, all you have to know is Dean is deaf, lost his hearing in an accident while hunting. This takes place two months after the first story. If you guys like this let me know and I'll right more little sequels, and feel free to give me ideas!! Thanks for reading and I hope you'll enjoy this little story._

* * *

Sam couldn't say that he was exactly excited to see Bobby. For the first part, he hadn't seen the older man in quite some time, before he had gone to Stanford. Although he had called Bobby a few times to talk and to make sure Dean and his father were okay, he was afraid of the tension that might be there and he was unsure if Bobby would be upset with him. The second thing of course was Dean. Bobby didn't know he had lost his hearing and Dean had downright refused to let Sam call him. Dean claimed that he wanted to tell Bobby himself, wanted to be able to see Bobby's expression and assure him that he was fine, or as fine as he could be.

And actually Dean was doing okay, Sam really believed that. His brother had gotten over the initial shock of being deaf and although he still moped about it sometimes and had his bad days, he was turning more into his old self each day and adjusting to his disability the best he could with Sam's help.

Sam looked over at Dean who was driving the Impala once again. It had been two months since their first hunt together and Sam was glad to say that Dean hadn't had many bouts of vertigo. There had been about five in that time span but nothing too bad only where Dean only had to take a minute to shake it off and he was fine. In fact, a lot of the time when they were hunting some creature, Sam forgot that Dean was deaf.

Except when he yelled his older brother's name and there was no reaction.

They had learned that they had to change up their hunting techniques. Hands, hands, hands. It was all about using signals now to tell Dean what he meant and where he should go. If the creature was hiding, the only thing giving away its existence was sound....Sam needed to be able to tell Dean where it was at. Not only was it the sign language and hand signals they made up, but body language meant so much more than it ever did. They needed to know how to read each other silently before on hunts, but now its importance meant so much more. The quirk of an eyebrow, shrug of the left shoulder, blink of an eye....it all meant something. And that is what both brothers had been working of perfecting the past few months.

Sam realized he had started to doze once again when Dean's voice woke him, still just a bit too loud and awkward. He couldn't seem to get that right.

"We're almost here, but we're early. You want to stop and get something to eat first or just go straight to Bobby's?" It did still sound a little strange. Dean's pauses between his sentences were too short, sometimes making it a little difficult to follow what he was saying. Sam silently wondered if Dean was ever going to get tired of speaking with a voice he couldn't hear. He didn't talk any less than he ever did and Sam wondered if one day that might change and Dean would resort to using more sign than actual speaking.

Sam nodded his head twice, which meant that he favored the second option.

"Alright. So I'm thinking Bobby's gonna be pretty damn surprised when he finds out about me. How do you think I should go about telling him?"

Sam glared up at Dean with his mouth wide open. He figured Dean had it planned out, since he was so adamant on Sam not telling Bobby his way.

"What the hell Dean?" Sam's voice was bordering on yelling, and although Dean couldn't hear it, he could sure see it in Sam's facial expression. "I thought you already had it figured on how you were going to tell Bobby! It was you idea for you to tell him in person!"

Sam never could get past the part of still talking to Dean even though he knew his brother couldn't hear it. And Dean didn't seem to mind; in fact Sam thought it might make Dean feel like more of a person to be talked to and not treated so different. But after Sam spoke his hands started flying. He still couldn't master talking and signing at the same time.

_Your idea. Not helping._

It was way simplified from his outburst but it got the point across. And maybe it was better that Sam didn't tell Dean everything he just said.

Dean rolled his eyes dramatically. "I thought it would come better from me. But now I'm thinkin' more realistically here and thinking about how Bobby might react. How do I tell him without him freaking out?"

Now it was Sam's turn to roll his eyes. _Going to freak no matter._

Dean sighed and slouched in his seat, realizing that was the truth. "You're right."

_Always right._

"Shut up!"

_Not talking._

"Bitch!"

_Jerk_

* * *

They walked up to Bobby's house silently, Dean claiming that he had a plan worked out to tell Bobby and for Sam not to 'worry his ass off'. Sam had a feeling that this was going to head in a bad direction.

Dean knocked on Bobby's door...or more likely pounded on it. Sam glared at him and pointed at his right ear, their own little sign meaning 'too loud' when the left ear meant 'too quiet'.

Dean blushed a little but then shrugged. "Bobby's getting old anyway; he probably needs us to knock louder so he can hear is."

Sam rolled his eyes at Dean's obvious lie and heard footsteps reach the door. They saw Bobby peer out of the peep hole and then opened the door only to splash the brothers with holy water. When neither of them did anything but splutter, Bobby grinned wide.

"Sam! Dean! Good to see you boys! I didn't know you two were back together again...I thought you were still at school Sam!" Sam could hear relief in Bobby's voice as he hugged them both. Bobby had probably been worried that the two of them were not going to speak to each other ever again after the blowout when Sam left.

"I was." Sam answered. "But it really wasn't working out. I met up with Dean and we're hunting together."

"That's great to hear, but sorry about school boy. They do say everything happens for a reason." Bobby told him and Sam pictured Jess for a moment, burning on the ceiling and knew that couldn't have happened for a reason unless it was fate's harsh way of telling him to get back in touch with his brother. Of reminding him just how very important Dean was to him.

"Hey Bobby." Dean said with a small smile and his voice actually came out sounding normal. Bobby smiled at Dean and patted his shoulder.

"How've you been Dean? Looking good. Where's your daddy by the way?" Dean looked utterly lost as he bit his lip so Sam answered for him.

"We don't know. He went hunting on his own and Dean hasn't seen him in months. We're trying to find him."

Bobby sighed and shook his head. "Went off on his own hunt again huh? Not surprising."

"Yeah, I know right?" Sam rolled his eyes.

"Never thought I'd see the man be such an irresponsible father." Bobby growled, expecting the response from Dean, 'Dad's not a bad father!' that he always got when saying something negative about John. But to Bobby's surprise Dean didn't say a word. He thought with awe that maybe John's extended absence had ignited something in Dean, had shown him that John's not all he's cracked up to be at all. But when Bobby turned to the older of the brothers Dean was looking a little past Bobby's shoulder into the house. The expression on his face told Bobby that he hadn't even registered what had just been said. Bobby looked down and saw how Dean was holding his hands together in front of him, his fingers twitching ever so slightly. Bobby knew both boys well enough to read them by their body language and this was something Dean did when he was uncomfortable, _afraid _even. Something was wrong.

"Hey Dean? You alright boy?" Bobby asked him and when Dean made indication that he had even heard Bobby, still staring ahead....That's when the older hunter started to become really worried.

"He's just zoning out Bobby, don't worry about it." Sam said but Bobby didn't believe him for a moment. Dean Winchester just didn't zone out. That was Sam's job.

So when Bobby waved a hand in front of Dean's face and the boy jumped and nearly fell backwards, letting out a small gasp of shock, Bobby had an idea of what might be going on with Dean. Though he prayed that he was wrong.

But then Dean looked at him with sad eyes and hung his head. "Bobby, I'm deaf."

His guess had been right.

* * *

Bobby had quickly ushered them in and demanded answers. The first question asked had been 'How long?' And Dean could obviously lip read some because he had answered with a shrug and a 'About three months since I lost my hearing. Two since we started hunting again.'

The hunting part got Bobby's attention. While he knew Dean was a damn good hunter, probably one of the very best, hunting with the loss of a sense was unheard of. It would be impossible if he had lost his sight but hearing was quite a different issue. Dean could still see the enemy, still shoot, still keep Sam's back. But he wouldn't be able to hear the enemy approaching him, and researching by questioning victims was damn near impossible. But Bobby was assured that Sam would have that part down, that he was Dean's ears in the hunt. Because God forbid Dean even _think_ about quitting the hunt and settling down. It just wasn't him; he was a fighter in all aspects.

When Bobby asked them how they'd been he watched as Sam nudged Dean. The older brother looked over at him and Sam started moving his hands. Sign language. He was being a translator between them two and it made Bobby's heart clench in a painful way. He made a mental note to learn sign as soon as he could. If he could learn Latin, sign would be no problem with him. And plus, if the boys ever found their father he couldn't see John learning this new language for his son. Even if it meant this would be the only way he could communicate with Dean, John just didn't see the important things as necessary. So Dean needed Bobby to learn more than anything maybe. So there could be someone he could vent to other than Sam or maybe even _about_ Sam. Bobby suppressed a chuckle at that one.

It was obvious that Sam let Dean answer this question Bobby asked to try to make him feel better, equal. Bobby couldn't say it was actually working though. Dean seemed nervous and he was talking so fast without even realizing it, his voice jumping octaves when it shouldn't and Bobby tried really hard to follow what Dean was saying. It was extremely difficult and Dean seemed to sense Bobby's confusion. But instead of Sam joining in on the conversation to make it less awkward, he hung back, unintentionally leaving Dean in the spotlight.

Bobby asked them a few more questions that went the same exact way with Dean awkwardly answering Bobby's questions after Sam translated them to him in sign language. When Bobby asked them if they wanted a beer Dean excused himself.

"Hey, I'm feeling a bit tired." He said, looking away from the two people in the room. "Do you mind if we crash at your place tonight Bobby and I hit the sack early?" When Dean looked up for a second Bobby shook his head that he didn't mind and Dean was up the stairs and in one of the guest rooms in a matter of seconds.

"You know, usually you could understand him a lot better than today. I don't know why all his words were jumbling together. It's never that bad." Sam told him once Dean was in his room and for a moment Bobby felt enraged that Sam would dare talk about his brother like this just because he knew Dean wouldn't be able to hear him. But Sam was just concerned, so the older hunter let it pass.

"You should have joined in the conversation Sam, made Dean feel more comfortable. It was obvious he was a nervous wreck." Bobby told him and sighed at Sam's confused expression.

"I thought it would make him feel more...normal to try to have a conversation with you. I thought him doing the talking would help him."

Bobby shook his head and looked Sam right in the eye. "Don't you ever have me hearing that come out of your mouth again. Your brother is a normal person, just because he's deaf doesn't change nothin'."

Now Sam was the one looking uncomfortable. "I never said he wasn't normal! It's just he feels..."

"I know Sam. Dean feels like he isn't normal. But instead of ignoring what he's feeling, you gotta do something about it. Leaving Dean to stumble as he's talking and not help him out isn't something you would let him do if he could hear is it? So why let him stumble just because he's deaf? I'm sure if you helped him out or even joined in the conversation he would have felt much more at ease. It's just like having his back during a hunt."

When Sam's mouth dropped open Bobby knew he had gotten his point across. "I'm sorry, you're right. It's just he's been doing so well and I didn't want to ruin anything..."

"Sam." Bobby interrupted him. "While you're brother might be doing better, he sure as hell ain't doin' good. I could tell just by lookin' at him."

"What? But Bobby he has..."

"He hides it from you Sam. He doesn't want you to see how much he's struggling but when he was looking at me...it was like I could see everything he was keeping hidden from you. Dean's a hunter Sam, Dean's...well...he's just Dean. Losing his hearing isn't going to be something he's just going to be fine with and shrug off, even if he's actin' that way."

"Why would he hide this from me? How he's feeling?" Sam asked, sounding hurt and that's not what Bobby wanted.

"I think part of it is that he's scared Sam. He's so used to being the one to protect you from everything and be in charge of everything. He thinks that if he tells you just how scared or lost he's feeling that you'll see him as less of a person." Bobby held up his hand when Sam opened his mouth. "And I know you would never think of him like that Sam. But you gotta understand where he's coming from. You guys just got back together on the road again; he just got his brother back from years of not seeing him. That killed him Sam. And now that he has you back by his side, he's afraid that if he tells you he needs help dealing with this, you're not going to be able to handle it and he'll loose you again."

Sam was quiet for a moment. "So that's why he tries to act really happy sometimes even when I can tell he's not? I've gotta say even his laughter has sounded off...like he was forcing himself to laugh. But I just shrugged it off."

"You're exactly right Sam." Bobby smiled a little, knowing that Sam understood him now. "And plus...Dean's never been one to share his feelings. But now he needs to and he doesn't know how. He's probably afraid that if he shows a little bit of vulnerability it will make him seem like less of a big brother, like he can't protect you anymore. And you've gotta let him know that he's still completely equal in your eyes, that you don't think any less of him. You gotta show him that you don't mind learning this new language for him, because he's worth it."

"I've gotta talk to him." Sam said seriously he then turned to Bobby. "Thanks."

"Anytime. You boys are both so smart but you can me morons when it comes to each other." He smiled. "Go talk to your brother."

"Bobby?" Sam asked, turning around from where he was already halfway up the stairs.

"Yeah?"

"You think he'll be able to deal with this?" He asked, referring to the hearing loss.

Bobby smiled slightly. "Of course he will Sam. It will take a while and he'll need you every step of the way. But as long he has you, he'll be fine. You know your brother; he'll fight his way through this." He paused for a moment. "I'm glad you find him worth it."

Sam scoffed. "Of course he's worth it, he's my brother."

* * *

Sam couldn't have been more grateful for Bobby. While he gave Sam great advice and insight he also knew how to keep his calm. Bobby must really be freaking out inside, learning that the boy he knew as a son was now deaf. But Bobby always knew exactly what to do, how to act and what to say to make both brothers feel at ease. He didn't know why he had felt so afraid to come to Bobby's beforehand.

Sam opened the door into the guest room he had seen Dean enter only to find it empty. He didn't even bother searching the room when he saw the window wide open.

The first thing he thought was that Dean had taken off in the midst of his confusing emotions and that Sam would never have a time to talk to him. But when he heard faint music that was distinguishly Dean's classic rock, he knew where his brother was.

Sam took the same route Dean must have by climbing out of Bobby's second story window and headed over to where they had parked the Impala. He was trying to be quiet as he approached Dean, not even realizing that could be as loud as he wanted because Dean couldn't hear him anyway. As he approached the car the music got louder and soon he was right at the side of the car, his brother oblivious to his presence.

Dean was holding a box in his hand and fingering through whatever he had in it. When Sam saw him pull out one of his beloved cassette tapes Sam felt like his heart was breaking. Not only because of what Dean had in his hands but because of the look on his face. His brother looked just miserable, hurt and lost as he grabbed the tape and held it up to his chest. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply when he just...broke. Tears started streaming down his face and the most heart wrenching sobs were escaping out of his mouth. He looked so young and frightened and just...sad that Sam wanted to wrap his arms around his brother and never let go.

Before he could make a move to do anything though Dean's voice spoke up, pained and shaky. He had one hand on the Impala's radio and the other still holding the tape.

"Why can't I fucking hear you? Why? I don't think I ever did anything to deserve this! Then again...maybe I did. It was my fault I couldn't take care of Sammy well enough that he wanted to leave. My fault that I wasn't good enough on the hunt that Dad decided to go on without me. Can't even hear my own fucking voice, can't even hear Sammy's. How the hell am I going to protect him now? What if he calls out to me when he's in trouble and I can't hear him? He's going to fucking die because of my disability...because my own damn stupidity..." With a flash of anger Dean brought his arm back and threw the tape he was holding out the window and then tossed the rest of the tapes in the box out with force. He was about to eject the tape that was in the player when Sam couldn't take it anymore. He opened up the passenger door and put a hand on his brother's shoulder.

Dean was so shocked that he didn't even remember to hide his emotions at first. He jumped in his seat and turned to look at Sam, tears still falling down his face before he ducked his head and quickly wiped at his eyes. It was a lame effort to try to hide what Sam had already seen.

"What the hell Sammy?" Dean asked and Sam heard how Dean couldn't hide his emotions anymore with his voice, even if he did with his face. His voice cracked at the end and he just sounded so miserable. "You know better than to sneak up on a deaf guy, especially when he's having a moment." He managed a shaky smile, one which Sam saw right through.

Sam pushed the tape back in that Dean tried to take out and soon the sounds of Metallica were ringing through the Impala again.

"What's the point of keepin' em?" Dean mumbled and Sam could barely understand him. "I can't hear it, and you've always hated the music, so why not throw it away?"

And what Sam wanted to tell Dean right now was _'Because it means so much to you Dean. I've never really hated the music, it actually grew on me.'_ But he couldn't...not until they learned sign better anyway. So he had to simplify it. He lifted Dean's chin up so his brother could look him in the eye. Dean's red puffy and still tear-filled eyes looked back and Sam had never seen them look so open. He was practically begging Sam to do something, anything to help him through this time in his life, to make this easier on him. Sam had to say...or rather _sign_...the right thing.

Suddenly Sam had an idea. He pointed to the radio and then started signing. _Find a way._ He told Dean with his hands but his brother just seemed to get frustrated.

"What the hell Sam? At least sign something that makes sense." He grumbled and looked away but then Sam grabbed his older brother's hand and placed it on the dashboard. He then fast forwarded the cassette tape to a random spot and cranked the music up all the way.

Dean jumped at this, feeling the heavy vibrations rocking the Impala's dashboard and going up through his arm, sending chills up his spine. Sam did the same thing and tried to tune the sound out and was surprised at how he could find the beat of the song just by feeling the vibrations. He looked over to his brother who had a very concentrated look on his face before he started bobbing his head slightly and whispering something.

It was a minute later when Dean actually started singing. He was a little behind and off key but when wasn't Dean when he was singing? The important thing was that Dean had recognized the song...and not just the song...he knew which part of the song the tape was at. Music was such a huge part of Dean's life, he was bound to be able to catch which song it was without hearing it, the songs were practically engraved into his brain.

Dean looked over at Sam with a slightly questioning look on his face and he knew Dean was asking him if he was singing the right song. Sam just grinned at his brother brightly in response and Dean ever so slightly smiled back.

Dean stopped singing when the song was over and reached over to turn off the radio. Sam felt that he missed how the Impala shook with the song, even though it hurt his ears immensely. Feeling the song just brought so much more to the music than he ever thought there could be.

"So." Dean started, his voice rough from singing and before, crying. "How much did you hear of my...yeah..."

Sam just gave him a look that said _Enough _and Dean got the point.

"Well...it's just...you caught me at a bad time and I..." Dean started to explain himself when Sam just rolled his eyes and hit his shoulder, causing Dean to look up at him.

_It's okay._ Sam signed to him and hoped by god that Dean would understand what he was trying to get across and just how much he meant it. _I'm here, not leaving._

And just the way Dean was looking at him told Sam that he really took in what was said. They had to talk things out now more than ever, be attuned to each other's emotions more than they've ever been. To sum it all up, they were just going to get even closer.

Dean smiled, and Sam could see relief practically washing off of him. Sam hoped that Dean would talk a little, which would be amazing because Dean never said anything about his feelings. When Dean opened his mouth Sam found that he got his wish.

"It's just...hard." And that was the understatement of the century Sam assumed. "I mean with how much we always talked it's hard to get used to. I mean, we still do but we can't as much because we don't know that much sign. I mean, it's...frustrating. I know we learned a lot but there's so much we haven't. And I just feel like we should know more after two months..." Dean sighed then and Sam figured that was all he was going to share...at least for today. When before Dean wouldn't even want Sam to reply, now he was looking up at him, waiting.

What Sam meant to say is '_We will learn more. It will get better. _But he wasn't so sure of the sign for better. So he signed what he thought it might be right awkwardly to Dean.

Sam knew he got it wrong when Dean burst out laughing but he quickly didn't mind. Because Dean was _laughing _honest-to-god _cracking up_. A true Dean Winchester laugh and Sam didn't know how in the world he hadn't seen the difference before. Dean's laughs since he lost his hearing have been nothing like this and Sam realized this was the first real laugh he's heard from his brother in almost four years. They were going to be okay, they would learn sign, hunt, laugh and Sam would be a better brother than he had ever been.

"Dude you just said 'It will get _beauty. _What the hell? Sorry Sammy I know I'm beautiful but I don't swing that way." Dean laughed; his eyes were shinning for the first time in a long time.

Sam pouted. _Similar. _

"Yeah, they are a little similar but not _that_ much. You're one stupid college boy."

And Sam couldn't help it anymore, after seeing Dean so wrecked and now so happy, it was too much. He reached over and grabbed Dean into a hug. Dean grunted but didn't pull away; Sam even swore he hugged back a little. It was short and Dean looked annoyed when they pulled apart but Sam could tell it meant a lot to his brother. Sam looked at the cassette tapes out the window that had been thrown outside and pointed at them, used it as an escape for Dean from the chick-flick moment.

_Pick those up? _He signed and cocked an eyebrow.

"Oh, hell yeah! I can't believe I ever even thought about throwing those away. God I hope I didn't ruin any of them." He muttered.

And now it was Sam's turn to laugh as he got out of the car and helped his brother pick up the pieces of his life.


End file.
